Feeling Gooood!
31 Jan 2011 1 Comment
For some unknown reason I am feeling pretty good today! Well most likely to the lack of stress now. I don’t really do much of anything. I went to see my mom at the hospital yesterday and that is about as stressful as it gets. I really need to get some housework done today. I am feeling really positive about this. I am not sure how much will get done. But some will get done.
When I went to visit my mom I felt a sense of betrayal towards her. Like I let her down by admitting her into the hospital. I tried to ensure myself I was doing it for her own good. Which I was but I was also feeling overburdened as well. I hope they get a move on and get her some therapy so she can come home. She has been in there a week and still no therapy. She still eats very little. She said yesterday she felt very sick and she actually felt like she was going. Meaning she was going to pass on. My mom I would describe as a high maintenance woman. She likes a lot of attention. I know she is in there because she is not well. But it seems like she isn’t even trying. She won’t eat because she is afraid of pooping all over. She has a very sore tummy and needs to go badly. She was given something a few days ago and pooped for two days. They gave her a day off because her bum was sore. But they gave her something today which will hopefully clear it out of her. She is feeling nauseated. In fact she does vomit on occasion after eating. I ask her what she would like me to bring her and she says nothing. I brought her flowers the other day. When I went in yesterday she had magazines and a puzzle book in front of her that the woman in the bed beside her’s daughter gave her. She also lent her a radio to listen to. When I have asked her if she wanted any of these things she says no. So she is making me look very bad. But I don’t think she cares. It is whatever suits her at the time if that makes any sense. I know she is old. But she has been like that towards me most of my life.
I think in fact I may be on the manic side today - perhaps the fact that I had a couple of coffees and about four Cokes doesn’t help matters any. But I really don’t mind feeling like this. I want to learn more about blogging. I actually really want something. Which in itself is something as I don’t have much to strive for…. no meaning… I know that this high will ultimately leave me in a low… I don’t think that once has it been any other way. But in the meantime, I will enjoy it. The feeling of hope the feeling that there just might be something brighter down the road. Just waiting for me around the corner…..
Feeling Invisible On My Blog
27 Jan 2011 1 Comment
I haven’t been posting for a bit because I was starting to feel invisible and unheard with my blog like in life with my illness. Which seemed to be adding to my depression. Kind of reminds me of that old song Me And My Shadow. Instead it is Me And My Blog….
I have gone through more stressful times with my mom. She has been in the hospital since Sunday. Not much change.
But on a good note I had a wonderful time with my friends this week. I met them and spent some really good quality time with them. Friends are so important. I really do need to get back to socializing with my friends again.
Things I Do To Make Myself Feel Better
21 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
The number one thing that helps me with my depression is taking a nice hot bubble bath. I love a nicely scented bubble bath. The heat of the bath helps with my arthritis as well. So it is a win-win situation.
Although I take many baths sometimes in one day - depending on how I am feeling, doesn’t necessarily mean I am bathed. I usually just sit in the tub and take in the aroma and the heat as it helps melt away the stress. It helps put me to sleep sometimes when I cannot sleep because of my arthritis hurting.
Another thing I do is sleep. I know this is probably not a wise thing to do. But sometimes when I wake up I feel better. I know this seems strange. But I guess it doesn’t really. Being a rapid cycler the depressions come and go as they please. Often times triggered by stress. So when I am sleeping sometimes they leave.
It is nice to wake up and be able to cope better. When I say the depression leaves. I do not mean totally. I think I have been in a depression for over two years now. Some days are better of course. The really bad part I don’t get – you know the black hole feeling. The part I would love to forget. But my symptoms are still there.
So it is kind of a tradeoff I suppose. No black hole for the symptoms. I really do need to get a new psychiatrist.
Washing Done
18 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
It may not seem like a big deal to most people, but it is to me! Twelve loads of laundry done and it took about four hours. I pushed myself to do it. But tomorrow I am allowing myself a day off. I need to take it easy and slow.
I am so disappointed that my brothers haven’t stepped up to the plate and helped more. They both offer… One brother my dad asked him to get two items Friday night, we finally got it on Sunday. The funny part is he phoned and asked do you need anything. The other brother I called when I had to phone for an ambulance to come last week to help get my mom off the sofa. I talked to him that night and he said he was tired. He spent a few hours getting into work because of the snow. Is it me or is there hidden messages in there.
I told the nurse today that if I have to go to the hospital what should I do about my mom. She said to call the case manager and tell her that I am out of the equation now. She did call the case manager about her concern for me and voiced that we needed more help. The case manager called and said she could hear the weariness in my voice. I just said the fight has left me as far as advocating for my mom. She asked if I had siblings that I could ask to help until we got help. Or could we pay for more help ourselves.
Most likely mom will be going to a convalescent home temporarily as she does not seem to be getting better at home. It has been suggested to us from some workers. I have to agree that I think that is what she needs. In fact, I think she is regressing.
She eats very little now. She cries because of her piles. She doesn’t get out of bed. She seems to be in a depression. She needs more help than we can give her here!
Went To See Disney Live
17 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
On Saturday I went to see Disney Live. I pushed myself to go for two reasons. One I actually needed a break big-time and the other is that I could not cancel on my niece again that I recently connected with after 30 years. I just kept seeing a little girls face looking at me with disappointment (even though she is 35). She actually called me just as I was getting ready to leave commenting about the weather. I thought maybe she has had a change of heart. I asked her if she had changed her mind because of the weather and she said “no no”.
I called for a cab to take me to the GO train that would take me to downtown Toronto. I actually did think about taking a bus but the thought did not last long. I would have to make transfers to get to the Go train and I would be exhausted even before I got there.
Standing outside waiting for the cab as I smoked my last half of a cigarette in my package (wondering would this be the time to quit – probably not) I thought this is living. This is how people live. I guess at this particular point-in-time I was feeling a detachment (like on the outside looking in).
I had dug my snow boots out of the closet that I got a few years ago for Christmas. That shows how rarely I go out and use them. If I go out it is a cab directly to where I need to go and back into the cab again and home, like the bank, grocery shopping etc.
I looked at the snow there was lots of it.
I got into the cab and off I went. I was thinking on the train that I need to do this more often. Actually it did feel good to go out and it cleared my head. I was able to think things over more clearly. I took a book out and read. I smiled at other passengers and even engaged in small conversation with some.
I met my niece and her son and got into a cab again and headed over to the venue with a pit stop to pick something up at another place.
I had a nice time. When they came back to my place I realized how exhausted I was. I know it doesn’t take much. I kind of felt blue on entering the apartment. It seemed so dismal. My parents were in bed.
My dad came out to say hello and I gave my niece and her son their Christmas presents. They both seemed to like them very much.
I wanted to make them dinner as it was dinner time. They said no they were good. Again I felt inadequate – I should be feeding them it was supper time. I didn’t know if they were just trying to be kind on not putting more chores on to me, or if they didn’t like what I was going to prepare. I asked them if they liked spaghetti with meat sauce.
They stayed for about 40 minutes and then left to go visit my brother.
Now Sunday – that is another day…. A very bad day! I think by pushing myself it came back to kick me in the behind. Like I have said before I know my limitations. They are not much…. I spent most of the day crying…. A few times thinking I should go to the hospital.
I am so disappointed I am not getting more help from other family members. My dad did so much yesterday with me gone on Saturday and so much again on Sunday.
Today I MUST tackle the laundry and just take my time and if takes all day so-be-it.
There is more I could have entered into this post – but I am kind of scared I guess. This is kind of new to me. Posting like this….
Another Good Day! As Good As To Be Expected…
12 Jan 2011 2 Comments
Although at times I have felt the stress of what needs to be done, phone calls I need to make, keeping a record of appointments, I have been able to do it without a complete melt down.
Still my needs and chores are being put on the back-burner, but in time I think a routine will be made and hopefully I will have lots of good days so I can follow through with the chores that need to be done. I can only hope!
I have made arrangements to go out on Saturday with my niece and her son and I am looking forward to it. I have recently reconnected with my niece after 30 years and I am looking forward to spending some quality time with her and getting to know her and her son. We will have fun while doing it!
Now my only hope is I don`t cancel like I most often do. I need the time to myself – I know this. Now more than ever.
A few workers came out to the house and one commented that they didn`t know how long one could go on doing what I do. But I said I want to keep my mom and dad together – they are so much in love. I will try to do my best to see that this happens.
I can have an aggressive personality when I need to. Meaning I am not easily put on the back-burner when it comes to making phone calls etc. The problem is I have become very frustrated and have taken it out on a couple of the workers. I know it isn`t their fault and I have apologized. I just need to vent. I just get very frustrated and have nowhere to vent. Any suggestons…
Grateful For Home Care Worker
10 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
Today is a good day! A very good day!
First I took my dad to his appointment to see a surgeon. He doesn’t need to get surgery now. If he has pain later on down the road it will be reassessed.
Then when I came home (I had a friend stay with my mom while I took dad to his appointment) the home care worker was here. She did a wonderful job of taking care of my mom and cleaning her room!
I am going to put a call in and see if I can get the same worker on an ongoing basis!
Yay!! Life is good today!
Family Is A True Blessing
10 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
Today I had the help of one of my brothers who took my father shopping. It was good for them to share some quality time together and to get my dad out of the apartment for a few hours or should I say three hours. He really loves to shop – so I was not surprised it took them three hours.
It is just difficult for him to walk now with his arthritis but he says it is good therapy. Boy is he a fighter. I so admire him. He doesn’t let anything like that get the better of him.
When they came home my brother unpacked all the parcels and put everything away and even rearranged our cupboards for us. I am truly grateful!
Today was a bad day!
08 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
I woke up thinking I need to get a system into what I need to do. I went into my parents room and let them know what I needed to make things easier for me.
My mom said what do you need. I said we need to get you up and cleaned, get you in the front room sitting. Because you are in bed too much, and it is not good for you. The nurse told her the other day she needs to get out of bed because many health issues can arise from staying in bed all the time.
I told her I need to wash you, get you breakfast, dressed and make sure you take your morning meds. I said you can have a nap after lunch.
Then when I went to change her adult napkin she had an accident in them. It is a good thing I bought them, just in case she didn’t have a chance to ask for the potty in time. I asked her why she didn’t ask my dad for the potty. She said she didn’t realize she had done it. She said she may have done it while sleeping.
After cleaning her up I needed to change the sheets as some feces got onto it. Most likely when I was cleaning her up. I feel so overwhelmed as I have had no training on how to care for my mom. Trying to change the sheets with her in the bed. My dad helped and we did get them on. .
I cleaned her, fed her and gave her medication.
I tried to get my mom up out of bed but she said she was dizzy – so I asked her to sit on the bed for a bit and see how she felt after a bit. When I came in a few minutes later she said she thought it best she stayed in bed today. She would get out of bed tomorrow.
She is unable to get out of bed without my help. For that matter get in and out of bed or a seat…. My dad would like to help but he is 87 and I think it would be way to much stress on his heart at his age. It is a huge responsibility getting her up in case she falls again. Then I feel like everything will come back to me as far as responsibility for this.
Then she was trying to take her blood sugar level and told me she forgot how to do it. I said I was sorry but I didn’t know how to do it and to ask the nurse when she came in today. I should note here that she went off her meds for over a year and just started taking them again yesterday.
For some reason at this point I felt completely overwhelmed. Most likely because I felt inadequate because of not knowing how to do things. I went into the front room and started to cry and was feeling very badly about myself. I knew at this point I needed to pull back. Sleep all day if that was what I need.
The nurse came in (half an hour) to see my mom. A nurse comes in every two days to see her. I was at the point where I couldn’t do another thing. Not make one more decision.
For about the last five days I eat once a day. This is the first time this has ever happened. Usually with my depression I overeat to stuff my emotions down. I am however, eating chocolates so this most likely is doing the same thing as the food. I don’t call chocolate food as there is very little nutritional value in it. I do drink tea and coffee and smoke cigarettes.
The laundry keeps piling up. Each day I wake up hoping to be able to do it. Hopefully tomorrow I can do it. With mom being ill now I see there will most likely be a need to do it each day.
I was going to try to do some more shopping today. There are other chores here of course that needs to get done. But I need to prioritize things. It isn’t like I don’t know what needs to be done it is getting the energy to do it.
We got a home care worker for the first time yesterday and was very disappointed at what is going to be done. She sponge bathed my mom and got her dressed and made her breakfast. I asked her is that was what was going to be done whenever a worker came in.
She said she just got the call today and needed to do some paper work with my mom as well. Later she did do some dishes. I explained to her that I was not upset with her – I knew it wasn’t her fault. I explained that I needed more help. She said she understood.
Pushing myself doesn’t work. It puts me in further into my depression. I tried to push today by saying to myself that these thoughts and actions have been learned behaviors and I need to change them. More less mind over matter.
I was close to having to go to the hospital today I think. I have only been to the hospital once before at the beginning of being diagnosed and this was my decision.
On top of this I need to take my dad to to a surgeon on Monday for a doctors appointment. Mom obviously cannot be left alone so I need to find someone to look after her while I’m gone. I have other phone calls that I am making to try to get more help. I need to be aggressive and most times I don’t have a problem with that.
I have been in a depression mostly for about two years. I don’t go out often. I am pushing people away – some even out of my life. My thoughts sometimes when I am depressed about people is not very good. Perhaps I expect too much from them…
My hygiene is terrible as well I stay in my nightgown all day. Sometimes I will wear the same one for days. Disgusting I know!
About a week ago I lost my partial (denture) due to the stress. I think I may have thrown it in the garbage – I really don’t know. The partial is for the front of my mouth so kind of hard to miss. I need dental work done two big cavities. Now tell me where I am going to get the time, (opportunity to go more than one visit) and the energy.
My dad helps quite a bit by doing the dishes most of the time. He gets the potty for mom. He usually takes the garbage down to the chute.
People Just Don’t Understand
07 Jan 2011 4 Comments
I know in life unless you experience something yourself you really don’ t understand what someone is going through. So I guess I can’t really say too much. But boy is it frustrating.
I need help with my mom. I have a hard enough time doing for myself. Taking my medication and laundry and just keeping my head above water most times. I should state here as well that my personal hygiene is atrocious.
I have people who are going to come in and help if it isn’t enough I am just going to have to ask for more. I have learned to ask lately. I know I just can’t do it myself….
I tell people I am bipolar. But do they really get it. Do they really know how difficult it is to deal with stressful situations especially when it concerns your loved ones.
I’m just so exhausted and can’t wait until the help rolls in. I know it sounds like I’m running myself ragged. Let me assure you I’m not. Something so simple is stressful for me. Like making phone calls to make the arrangements. I feel inadequate at times knowing I should be doing more. Which I would if I was better….
Some times I do have a good little period of time with my illness. Then the stress starts and then triggers it.
On top of this I’m looking for a new psychiatrist. So now I have no support system working for me here…
